Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
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“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
They’re called werewolves.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Lol
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…