The new Ring movie looks terrifying
You Might Also Like
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
This kinda thing happens to me often
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?