This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
(Gaming support cat.)
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
bears
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke