My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back