I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
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Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”