Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off