Every time my phone rings
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.