him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
$3 #books
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell