Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.