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Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.