Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
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My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Canadian owl: Eh?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money