squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.