[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.