Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Godspeed, John Glenn
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My husband said let鈥檚 cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don鈥檛 have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
i meant to share this earlier
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Whatever you鈥檙e giving up for lent, I鈥檒l take it.
If it doesn鈥檛 make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it鈥檚 not really hot sauce.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it鈥檚 St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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