ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.