Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.