My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
But is it really??
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.