BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
never deleting this app.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”