Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
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Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I wish this was real life…
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*