I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I put the hot in psychotic.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
he was correct
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair