20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass