Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.