A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.