Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.