IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
You Might Also Like
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.