I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
#parenting
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.