You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen