Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
kitchen magnet
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.