cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯