Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
time for some seasonal decor
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.