7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me