[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
this is the greatest thing ever
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Pizza is an emotion right?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝