DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
You Might Also Like
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
This one’s “Alex”.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
In banana years, I am bread.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP