“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
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THE AUDACITY. 😤
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.