Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.