In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”