[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
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[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*