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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Thursday Thought.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.