As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
me when I see my crush
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE