Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
You Might Also Like
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.