While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
You Might Also Like
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Morning.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
seems fine
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.