They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
What a year we’ve had this week.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.