I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
only 11 steps left
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”