I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
🏙👨🏼
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
man i love columbo
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing