I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
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people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I like long walks away from everyone
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Damn he played himself
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
OMG 🤣🤣
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.