Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
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customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours