Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Need WebMD
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.