-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
That de-escalated quickly
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I feel it