im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
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Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
True
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.