There is wisdom there.
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not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.